This may be harder than I thought...

Used the Wii Fit today, for the first time since I've started eating healthy.
Holy crap, bad idea.
It measures how many calories you burn, and just seeing the calories adding up, I felt all the old feelings coming back.
"I should really be counting my calories." "I miss feeling hungry" "I wonder if I could have a negative intake today." "I want to burn at least 800 today" "I just want to starve again."Uh. Maybe I'm not as well adjusted as I thought. :/
*Sigh*
Baby steps, Christine, baby steps.
I think I'll stick to walking for a little while longer. Get back into the Wii gradually.

Motherfuckin RANT!

Family drama going on at the moment, and on top of that, Mum just found out that I smoke. Insert big lecture here. :p
So I came back with, I'm 18 damnit! I can do what I want! And she gets all pissy because I didnt tell her.
Gah! I give up!!

I go to my room, because I cant listen to her martyr act and trash talk my dad any more, and she follows me, and says, 'this isnt to help you lose weight is it?'
And ohmyGod, I was so insanely close to saying 'You have no idea what I do to lose weight!'

Maybe that would shut her up for a while.

'Yeah, thats right. You know when I was stick thin in yrs 10 and 11? You know how I got like that? I stopped eating, and started throwing up! You know those scars on my arms and legs? I do remember how I got them! My razor was my best friend when I was in yr 10 and 11! Thats what I do to LOSE WEIGHT!!'

Some one remind me why I dont just tell her everything, and prove to her that I can do fucking anything.

I have the Exercise Bike... and its a senior citizen.

I got the bike, I got the bike, I got the bike!!!
Eeeee!!
It looks older than me, but I have it!!!

It was obviously born before the digital era. Haha.
Its handle bars are kinda rusty, and there is a dial thingy that shows how fast I go and how far I've gone, but the seat is new. :)
I love it!

I went for a weigh in at Tony Ferguson this morning... And I have lost... *drumroll please*...

2.7kg

this week!!

Yay for me!
I bought my first pack of cigarettes yesterday. :O
I have smoked before, I just bought my own. I felt very 18 and grown up haha.

Ugh, I think I had about 800 calories in the form of Vodka and Blood Orange mix last night.
But I got verrry happy, haha.
I never get 'drunk,' I get happy!

But Ohmigod, I think I said something to my friends about my... eating issues.
Friend 1 was trying to make me eat bread, to soak up some of the alcohol. She took my drink away until I ate half the bread, so I tried to humor her. I hadn't eaten anything that day anyway.
Problem is, I vaguely remember saying to Friend 2, 'Ew, I don't even remember the last time I ate bread. I haven't even had that much to drink, I just haven't eaten since yesterday morning!'

Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

Friend 3 kept asking questions then, little subtle ones about eating, that I didn't realise I was digging myself a hole before I was way, way down. :/
She was like, 'don't worry about calories, just love yourself!' And I was like, 'but there's to frickin' much to love!'
She just looked at me then, and said 'Amy, I am very worried about your eating habits and relationship with food.'
She looked so sad and worried! I felt frickin' terrible.

But eh. I will be skinny.

My Bike! <3

Don't worry Ana, I'm still here.

I know I haven't posted in a while, I just haven't had a lot to say...
Been on Tony Ferguson for about a week now, lost about 3kg. :D
Yayayayay!
Crazy proud of myself today, I burnt 508 calories on the Wii Fit. Woohoo for me!
My net intake for today so far is only 10 cals!
We're having dinner with my aunt and uncle tonight, so that means take out food. :/
Good news is, we're having fish and chips. So I'm just going to have a small piece of grilled fish and some salad. No chips!!

Looking into buying an exercise bike, seeing as it looks like Mum's friend has forgotten her offer of giving me her old one.
They have one at Big W for only $98, so that doesnt sound to bad.
Mum was pushing me to get this little doodad that you attach to the back wheel of a normal bike, and it holds it still. She said that would be just as good as an exercise bike.
Call me crazy, but I would rather get an actual machine that tells me my speed, how many calories burnt, and I can adjust the difficulty of, rather than a little stand thingy thats costs the same amount.

But whatever.

I have another 18th on tomorrow. 1980s theme. Should be pretty good! Though I was just checking out how many cals are in the drinks I bought... 150cals per 200ml!!
Eh!

And that is all I have to say at this point in time...
Off to read other blogs and look at thinspo. :)

Ahh, life is good.

A few good things have all happened at once.
Good thing number:
1- Mum changed her mind, and I'm going back on Tony Ferguson tomorrow!
2- I'm going to see a play with my Dad, and I bought a little black dress to wear (gasp) , and I look great in it!
3- I'm losing weight! Down in the 94-point-somethings!!

Happy happy happy. :)

Went for a 40 minute walk at about midday. Good pace, I can walk faster for longer now.
Been in this good mood for 3 days. :D If things would keep going like this, things would be perfect.

That's my favourite picture/quote at the moment. I just love it. It describes everything so well. :)

Cuts on my legs are healing up well. I cringe every time I think of them though. Gah. I'm so silly! :p
Anywho, I have to go clean house and study.
:)

Feeling rather hopeless...

Blah.
Blahblahblah.
I feel gross.
I gain weight, then lose it, gain it back, and lose it again.
But I never really actually lose any.
I've been at 95.4 for I don't know how long.
It's so difficult to eat what I want, seeing as I live with my mum and (sometimes) little brother.
If only someone would hire me, then I could start saving, and move the heck out of here!

Ugh.
This is lame.
I don't know where to go from here.
I'm just... floating, at the moment.
Not sure of anything, just the need to lose weight, as fast as possible.

I hope this feeling goes away soon...

I am pretty much a tub of lard.

Ugh.
I am so frigging disgusted with my self right now. I actually feel full. I don't even remember the last time I felt like this. I'm such a fatty. :p
Seriously.
I woke up at 11 this morning, and know what I had for breakfast?
Frigging cake! I am insanely embarrassed to say that, but its true. I had cake, and then I had two pieces of toast, just because it was there.
You know who has cake for breakfast?
Lard-ass fattys with no will power, that's who.

*le sigh.*
Now I have that out of my system, I feel a little better.
In other news....
18th birthday party's are a baaaaad idea. I went to two last week, my friends, who for the sake of anonymity will be called C, and my own.
Crazy amounts of food consumed, and even crazier amounts of empty calories in the form of alcohol were consumed.
*another le sigh.*

I swear that starting right this very minute, I am back on the wagon.
I will resume restricting, counting calories, and hating myself for days if I binge.
That really sounds pretty terrible, just printed there in black and white, but it really is my lifeblood. I would have nothing to do, to aim for if I didn't have Ana.
So I thank her, for sticking with me, even after all the times I ignored her and ate the stupid food.

But yes. On a happier note, I am finally 18!
Woo! :D
I can finally do everything Ive been doing for the last 5 years, legally. Haha :)
That's such a tacky line, but Ive always wanted to use it!
Honestly though, its a lie.
I was a terribly good kid. I only got drunk like, 3 times, and smoked twice I think?
I really was the goody goody!

On another happy note, I weighed myself at the beginning of the week of the two 18ths, and at the end of the week, and I only gained 0.1 of a kg. Thank gosh.
I really thought it would be much more than that.

But anyway, I should be off, as I have to get ready to go to the movies with some friends :)
And I wont eat any of the fatty cinema food!
:)

Frick, frick, frick!
I gained a half a kilo :p
Though that's not surprising, I have been eating like a cow the last few days, which is what I'm going to look like if I'm not careful!
I have been binging for the last two days, because of seriously crazy family drama. *sigh*
If I get fat again, I blame my out-of-control brother.
OK! As of tomorrow, back to eating as leeetle as possible. :)
On another note...
Eep.
I fear my cover has been blown.
I was writing the above post when I hear my brother say "Ana is the demon I cling to? Whats that? What are you writing?" He was standing above me reading over my shoulder! Crap. I just have to pray that he forgets all about it...
Or else I'm royally boned. :p

Sigh. I really cannot wait until I move out and get my own place. I wont have to hide anything, and can just be me.

Omigod, Omigod, Omigod. I was just looking in the mirror, and... I can see my collar bones! They aren't protruding or anything, but they're there, I can see them hiding under the fat. I haven't seen them for so long!
All my signs of weight loss have all sort of hit me at the same time. My ring is now to big, it keeps falling off! :D
Shirts I bought a few months ago that were skin tight (and I never dared to wear) are hanging lose on me, and my jeans from when I used to be skinny are getting to big! :O
Ahh, life is good.
I have to go to the dentist next week to get a filling, which is bad, but, I can get away with not eating for a bit after that, because "my teeth hurt" :) Heh heh heh...
My brother comes home today, so there goes any time to exercise. And he is weirdly observant about when I eat... Gah. Oh well. I can work around it.
But! Big problem: My friend is having her 18th tomorrow night and its a buffet style dinner, and her mum is cooking for it. This is a very bad thing... Her mum could totally win Master Chef. Like, seriously. Her cooking is incredible. Damn it.
I'm just gonna not eat all day, then eat as little as possible tomorrow night.
I hope. :/

I love my Wii Fit.

I just did an hour on the wii fit, and burnt 303 calories. (And no, I cant just say 300, those 3 calories count. lol) Yay for me!! :D
On the downside, I have to have pizza tonight, because we're celebrating my cousins birthday. Blah.
I love pizza, and I hate that.
I don't know what is wrong with me, but ever since I decided that I wouldn't eat over 1000 calories a day, I haven't been able to stick to it! I'm friggin' pathetic.
I heard today that one of the major turn offs for guys on a date, is girls who count their calories.
Well, fuck guys.
I'm pretty sure going on a date with a fat, lard-ass girl would be more of a turn off than a skinny girl who counted calories.
:D

QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT

Well that was a freaking ordeal and a half. I just spent an entire HOUR trying to add a weight loss ticker to my blog. I am pathetic. :p

In other news, this under-1000-calories-a-day thing has not worked yet. Actually, I gained half a kg! Though, I will admit, I have not done any real exercise, so, that may be a factor. But still.

Super nervous/excited/stressed about my 18th, which is in like, 14 days! But whos counting. ;)
I really have to get organised. I'm planning on having lunch with family, then having friends from school over that night. So, I have to get my ass into gear if I want that to happen!

Did a little more work on my Ana scrapbook yesterday. I love it. I have great thinspo pictures and quotes  covering the pages, and a few stickers to pretty it up. It makes a good distraction when I feel weak.

I've been working up the courage to comment on other peoples blogs, and have commented on a few now. So proud of myself! Who knew you could be shy even over the internet?!

I've started reading the Pretty Little Liars series again. Hanna Marin=Thinspo! Its great :)
Knowing her backstory is so much better than just looking at some skinny girl or reading quotes.

And I think thats all for now :)

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

I really need to get a decent set of scales :p
Last time I weighed myself on scale #1, and I'm 94.5kgs. I weighed myself on scale #2, and I'm frigging 97kgs!! WTF??
I'm gonna go with scale #1. Makes me happier :)

Haven't got my exercise bike yet... I really need it though... I can only lose so much weight by restricting... I have to do some exercise...

I spent my afternoon listening to music and googling thinspo... I <3 the before and after pictures... They are a great motivation for me. I figure if those girls can do it, so can I!!

Hell Yes!

Finally! Seeing some results from the ABC diet!! I have officially reached my first goal weight of 95kgs! Thank God for restrictive dieting!! I don't actually feel any thinner, but I guess what the scales say is the most important thing.

100cal day today, which is good, but bad because my brother decided to stay home today. So I've had to eat a couple little things so he doesn't notice anything. Been chewing gum and drinking water and sugar free, caffeine free diet coke, which as about 2cals in it. This makes me feel pretty full, so I'm not prowling in the kitchen, wishing I wasn't so fat so that I could eat something.

Omigod, I think I may take up pole dancing. No, not because its sexy, because its an incredible work out. And my semi-pro Ana friend here is doing them with me! But I am going to look terrible on a pole next to her. She really has a great figure.

I'm looking for a hobby to keep me busy during the day, lest I be tempted to eat. I'm trying to learn the guitar, but I'm pretty sure its a sin to play that badly. Haha.

Any who, I'm going now to make green tea, and Google some thinspo to keep me good and motivated.

So freaking close...

Damn, damn, damn!!

So close! I can't believe I went over the calorie limit again! 300 calories is all I should have eaten today. I've had 383 today so far, and mum is making me eat dinner. Ugh. Disgusting, fatty steak, but on the plus side, veggies with it. Definantly not eating it all.

I love how fast my mind is giving in to Ana this time. In the past, I had thoughts of, Is this healthy? This is stupid, not natural, I'm making my self sick.

Ha. This is not stupid, unnatural, or unhealthy. This is perfect. This is what defines me.

My mum and I went to this incredible coffee shop I used to eat from all the time. Today, I looked at the fatty foods, and calorie loaded drinks, and didn't want any. At all. They would only make me even more fat and disgusting.

Hmm. Mabye I will change today to a 400cal day, and have 300cal tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow Ana will be pleased with me.

Hi, Hey, Hello.

On the off chance someone is reading this, hi. I'm Amy, I'm 182cm tall, 96kgs (disgustingly fat, I know) and am in a relationship with Ana, who is also my best friend. For those of you who know who I mean by Ana, I welcome you as a friend. If you don't know who I mean, then you really won't understand, and this won't interest you.

A quick warning: This is not pro recovery. I have no intention of giving up Ana, and this blog could be considered triggering for those who are trying to recover.

I have just finished high school, and I'm going to study childcare soon. As much as I love my mum and brother, who I live with, I cannot wait to move out. Then I can eat as little and purge as much as I like.

I lost 10kgs not long ago, but its not enough. I want to lose at least 20 more. All my life I have hated my body. I've always been bigger than my friends, which is kinda lame. You know how every group has the fat friend? Yeah, well, that was me.

The only time I have come close to liking my size was when Ana and I met for the first time in Grade 10, when I was 15. I was at a bording school, and was fighting with my friends pretty badly.
"Don't have dinner tonight. You'll feel better. Trust me." That was the first time Ana spoke to me... And we have been friends on and off ever since.

At one stage my friends caught on, and it was terrible. There were people with me at all times, all reporting to eachother about when I ate and when they thought I purged.
My moment of glory was when I passed out at school from lack of eating. To me, that ment that I had shown how strong I was. How good my self control was.

I totally ballooned up at the end of Year 11 when my parents split up. I just ate everything. It was so freaking disgusting.

But anywho. Thats enough about the past. Today was Day 2 of the ABC diet. I've had 270 calories today (would have been less, but mum forced a sandwich on me at lunch) so dinner has to be 230 calories or less.

Thats enough crap for today. Lets see how I go with only 300 calories tomorrow.