Just me rambling about crap. :)

Ok. So I spent a week at Dads, and ate everything in sight. (literally.)
Then the day I came home to Mums I went to an 18th, and got messy drunk. :p
Then in the last 6 days I have eaten so, so much frickin crap.
If it was edible, I ate it.

And I have gained about a kg.
On one hand, I'm like, "Wahhhhh! A whole kg! I'm fat, I'm faaaaattt!!"
But on the other hand, "Hey, two weeks of eating like a cow, and drinking like half a bottle of vodka, and whole bottle of full sugar, full fat, full everything soft drink. And I've only gained one kg."

So eh. Both sides have good points.
But I'm actually getting off my butt and getting back into this. I have my black coffee (love) and for lunch I'm either having either 56 cal soup, or a small salad.. Not sure yet.

Is it bad that I don't count the calories from the fruit I eat? I just cant remember which ones are negative calorie, and how to count those, so I just don't count them.
I try not to eat to much fruit, so I don't think it's that bad...

I've been watching Gossip Girl for the last 3 days.
Blair Waldorf = best thinspo!
I started reading the books when I was like 15, and my God, all I have ever wanted to be since then is Blair.

Leighton Meester is so gorgeous.
Sigh. If only I was pretty :p

Ok, I know you guys don't want to hear about my love life (or lack there of) but I have to have a little freak out.
A few nights ago I got a message on Facebook from this guy. And almost every night since then he and I have stayed up late talking.
Problem is, I already dated him once.
And he's a raging pot head.
No future.
My parents hate him.
My friends hate him
God, I hate him!
And yet, I keep talking to him... :/
Rah. I just need to get it together.
Any who, that's pretty much it.
Stay strong xx

Two steps forward, one step back.

Ok, now I'm past all the crying and eating, I can get back to business.
I did gain (FML), 0.8kg.
Not as bad as I was expecting, I thought it would be more like 1 and a half kgs.
So that's good. :)
That should take me about a week to lose. Little longer probably.
But that's ok. I've lost it before, I can do it again.
I have another 18th coming up, around the end of the month/the first of next month.
I want to lose as much as possible for it.
I'm thinking around 1.2/1.3 kgs, if I keep losing at the same pace I was before.
Its not that much, but better than nothing, I guess!

I really want to read Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, but I cant find it anywhere!
Everyone I've talked to says how good it is, but it is impossible to get. :p
The library doesn't have it, but the bookshops I've gone to say they can order it in, but I don't really want to have to explain to my Mum why I'm going to so much trouble to get a book about anorexia.
That could be an awkward conversation.

Anywho, hope you guys are doing better than me :)
Stay strong
xx

Harden up!

Rahh, I hate myself this time of the month! I turn into such a frickin wimp!
I just watched that Adam Sandler movie, Click, and had an all out, uncontrollable, hysterical sobbing session.
The movie isn't even remotely sad!
Ok, maybe a little.

But not sad enough to merit lying on the couch, fetal position, bawling!
Like, I cannot believe the water works, I don't even know the last time I cried that hard for so long!

I refuse to weigh myself today, because I know my weight is gonna be high, and I'm scared I'll start crying again. :p

Even my two cats think I'm mental now. They just stared at me, like what the fuck is her problem?
Cats can give you looks like that. Its creepy.

I think I'm gonna pour myself a tiny shot of Vodka, and harden the fuck up before I have to talk to anyone.

Stay strong
xx

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Hello m'dears. This post may be a long one I'm afraid.

Facts:
1. I have gained weight.
2. I am not going to be in the 80s in time for my doctors appointment.
3. I am not going to lose weight by reading blogs and looking at thinspo.

I cannot change these things. But these things are "not a problem, just a factor."
(If anyone guesses what book that quote comes from, you are my new best friend, and I will kiss your feet.)

As of today, I have set a new calorie limit: Net of 800 per day.
Under that is great. Over that is not acceptable.
I will exercise (in some way, shape or form) everyday.
I WILL NOT BINGE.
I will not purge, because it makes my teeth icky. :p
I will not drink alcohol because I don't need the calories. (Also because I apparently cant keep my mouth shut when I'm drunk. No more accidental revealing of eating issues.)
I will try not to hurt myself again, but no promises there. (My leg looks fine BTW, bit of a scar though.)
If I plateau, I will cry.


Actual-real-serious-non-changing deadline and goal weight:

75kg by 31st December 2011*

*Weight and date subject to change.

I know I'll change my mind a hundred times between now and then, but for now, this is the plan.
Until next year.
Then onwards to more weight loss!

I honestly have no idea what I would do if I wasn't trying to lose weight. Like, my life would have no purpose. How sad. :p

Ok, that's all for now I think.
Well, there is something else bugging me, but I'm not ready to put it into words. It'll make it seem to real.

Stay strong.
xx


(BTW, I'm not actually kissing anyones feet. Ew.)

[Insert appropriate title here]

Woohoo, going out to Dad's for a few days! :)
Although, that means no Internet. :(

I think my 500-cal-a-day idea is a little drastic. The two TF shakes I have to have a day are 213 cals each. So I have 426 cals before dinner. Hmmm. Not gonna work. Drat.
I think I'm gonna up it to about 800 cals. If I stay under that for a few days, I'll bring it down to 600.
I'll just see how I go.

Went running and on the exercise bike this morning. Burnt off around 219 calories. Yay for me!
No bike out at Dad's though, so I'm gonna have to rely on the running. Ugh. Not my favourite exercise.
I would love to join the gym again. Lovelovelovelovelove. But it just isn't gonna happen. FML.

I hate myself for drinking the other night. All my hard work over the last week? Gone!!
I guess 800 extra calories in a day will do that.
Damn my ability to not throw up when I'm drunk. *Sigh*

I'm getting a bit worried that I'm not gonna make it to the 80s in time for my appointment with Dr Bitchface.
Damned if I'm gonna let him call me fat again, though.
Grrrrrr.

Rah. I should go pack. But I hate packing. :p
Screw packing. I'm just gonna look at thinspo. :D
xx

Deadline has been set!

Rah! I am determined to be in the 80s by the 12th of September!
I have a doctors appointment that day.

The doctor I see for my epilepsy practically called me fat last time I went to see him. So, I am determined to prove him wrong.
I believe that the medication he prescribed me made me gain weight. :p

He weighed me when I first saw him, the morning after I went to the emergency room, but I cant remember what I was. I was a bit overweight though.
Then the next time he weighed me was after I had been on the medication for a few months, and I had gained 12kg!!

He made me get on the scale 3 times! He thought it was impossible I could have gained that much.
I was so damn embarrassed. I had a red face for the rest of the appointment.

When I got home I asked mum if I could start a diet, and she agreed. That's when I started Tony Ferguson.
I lost 10kgs on that, then stopped.
I lost a few kilos on my own, and lost 2.7 last week when I started TF again.

So I am back to what I was before I started taking the epilepsy medication.
But I want to loose so much more, and rub that in his face! :/

Gah. I really regret drinking so much the other night. That slowed my weight loss down a bit. But, I am not going over a net of 500 calories a day until I am down in the 80s.

I CAN DO THIS.

Home again home again.

I went out to my Dads for a week, ate everything in sight. Gain half a kg. I'm so gross. :p

Looks like mums friend has forgotten about the exercise bike...
Aaand I dont want to be rude and ask her for it...
But I really need it.

I saw one for only $250 in a sports shop yesterday... If I had that much, I would have bought it, without a second thought.

I should probably join a gym again... I cancelled my last membership because I never went...
In my defense though, it was ment to be a joint effort with my cousin, and she never went, so I never went... She was my ride there.






I hate being fat.

Feeling rather hopeless...

Blah.
Blahblahblah.
I feel gross.
I gain weight, then lose it, gain it back, and lose it again.
But I never really actually lose any.
I've been at 95.4 for I don't know how long.
It's so difficult to eat what I want, seeing as I live with my mum and (sometimes) little brother.
If only someone would hire me, then I could start saving, and move the heck out of here!

Ugh.
This is lame.
I don't know where to go from here.
I'm just... floating, at the moment.
Not sure of anything, just the need to lose weight, as fast as possible.

I hope this feeling goes away soon...

Frick, frick, frick!
I gained a half a kilo :p
Though that's not surprising, I have been eating like a cow the last few days, which is what I'm going to look like if I'm not careful!
I have been binging for the last two days, because of seriously crazy family drama. *sigh*
If I get fat again, I blame my out-of-control brother.
OK! As of tomorrow, back to eating as leeetle as possible. :)
On another note...
Eep.
I fear my cover has been blown.
I was writing the above post when I hear my brother say "Ana is the demon I cling to? Whats that? What are you writing?" He was standing above me reading over my shoulder! Crap. I just have to pray that he forgets all about it...
Or else I'm royally boned. :p

Sigh. I really cannot wait until I move out and get my own place. I wont have to hide anything, and can just be me.