I am a bit of an idiot...

OK... So I may have cut my leg with a razor blade... On purpose. :/
Stoopid!
I did it once, just cause I could. Just a little cut. Then a bigger one, still little though.
Then I went a little crazy, and it went rather deep. :p
I had a slight panic attack at all the blood... ugh. I hate blood. :p
I don't care how good it may have felt... never doing that again.
I said I would never go back to that stage in my life, and I'm not.

Anywho!
Ate like a cow at the party, but went running both days I was at Dad's.
I think my little brother may have caught me purging after lunch the other day... eh. He didn't mention it, so I hope he didn't notice.

Now, I am going to watch Bones. :D
Stay strong :)

Lowest weight yet! :D

Eat less, weigh less. That's all I need to know. :)
I didn't have dinner last night, (told Mum I had been eating all day) and all I've had today is one tub of no fat yogurt (70cals). Plus I went for a walk last night.
And I'm down 0.3 of a kg already :)
Aaaah, life is good.

And I am really honestly truly going to ask Mum about the gym when she gets home.
I have been working on my Human Resources Cert 4 all morning, so she should be happy with me :)
I'm off to Dad's again for the weekend today. His side of the family are throwing me an 18th tomorrow.
Sigh.
So much food.
Ah well.

In other news!
Right now, I am at my all time lowest weight, since I stopped growing. :D
I mean, I was about 70kgs in yr 10, but I was about a foot shorter too. :p
But yes, from now on in, its uncharted territory! If I keep losing weight, I will always be the lightest I have ever been. :D
Pretty exciting thought.

Any who, I had better be off back to studying. It takes awhile for a dumbshit like me to process all the big words! Haha :)

Grow a pair, and just ask her.

Every day I try to fast, I just cant make it. About 4:00 in the afternoon I just binge. And Mums home by then, so I can't purge.
Its a vicious cycle.

I have decided not to do Tony Ferguson. Not because Mum said no, because I cant afford it. :/
Mum also decided that the yard doesn't need to be kept tidy, so she wont pay me to do that. Which means my income is now down to $25 a week.

The gym charges $44 a fortnight, so I should be covered there. And if I only go after Mum comes home, I don't have to pay for a Taxi.
This would all be so great... If I could just tell mum this is what I want to do.

I don't know what I'm actually scared of... I mean, I am legally an adult now, so I can do what I want, but I guess she could stop paying me to clean...

But then I can always ask Dad to pay me to clean up around his house... God knows he needs help.

Blah. I just have to suck it up, and ask her.
I have a bad feeling about it, but...

Waaaaah! I just know shes gonna say no...
Blah. Life is lame. :p
Wish me luck!

I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.

Asked Mum about starting Tony Ferguson again, I got a flat out no.But! I will not let that faze me.

Still jobless, and that's lame. :/
I'm applying everywhere, but still, nada.
Eh, at least I get to start my Human Resources Cert 4 soon :)

My lack of money is a real problem.
Mum said she would give me $50 to keep the house and yard tidy during the week while she's at work, so I have that at least. Still not enough though.

One week of Tony Ferguson is about $49.50
So far so good you say. Well, I also wanna join a gym again. And no way in heck would Mum help pay for that.

So I was looking at my old gym online, Fernwood, and there is no joining fee at the moment, so that's gonna save me $200. Its $22 a week, for 12 months.

Which means that if I want both, I'm going to need about $70 a week.
But I'm gonna ask dad if I can go out to his on weekends and help him out on the farm, and if he'll give me $20 a week for helping.
I think he will. He needs a hand taking down all the old fences and putting up new ones.
I absolutely hate fencing but...

"This is forever, I will do what it takes"

Not giving up, just taking a new form of attack.

Happy Tuesday! :)
I read through my last few posts, and I sound terribly melancholy. So, I spent the whole morning... readjusting my outlook.

As soon as mum comes home, I'm asking her if I can start Tony Ferguson again. I like it, it worked, and if I have to have two calorie laden shakes a day, so be it.
But, I am going to follow it exactly. Last time I did pretty well, but cheated a little, didn't eat enough fruit, not enough water, things like that, and I still lost 10 or so kilos!
So if I follow it better this time.... :)
Yes. I am much happier now.

On another note, I started a Tumblr! I cant use it, but I have it! Haha.
I'm sure i can figure it out... eventually!
its called
iloveyou2thebones
hence why I changed the name of this blog. Just so it all matches. :)

I watched some Pro Ana doco on YouTube.. It was actually really good. Made me feel fat, but it was still good.

I am determined to be skinny by December 1st. Grrr. I will show them all!!

Don't yell at me, but I am considering taking up smoking. Not cause its 'cool,' it not. Because the whole appetite suppressant thing.
Its either that or diet pills. Blah.
Any input about that would be nice :)

Home again home again.

I went out to my Dads for a week, ate everything in sight. Gain half a kg. I'm so gross. :p

Looks like mums friend has forgotten about the exercise bike...
Aaand I dont want to be rude and ask her for it...
But I really need it.

I saw one for only $250 in a sports shop yesterday... If I had that much, I would have bought it, without a second thought.

I should probably join a gym again... I cancelled my last membership because I never went...
In my defense though, it was ment to be a joint effort with my cousin, and she never went, so I never went... She was my ride there.






I hate being fat.

Feeling rather hopeless...

Blah.
Blahblahblah.
I feel gross.
I gain weight, then lose it, gain it back, and lose it again.
But I never really actually lose any.
I've been at 95.4 for I don't know how long.
It's so difficult to eat what I want, seeing as I live with my mum and (sometimes) little brother.
If only someone would hire me, then I could start saving, and move the heck out of here!

Ugh.
This is lame.
I don't know where to go from here.
I'm just... floating, at the moment.
Not sure of anything, just the need to lose weight, as fast as possible.

I hope this feeling goes away soon...

I am pretty much a tub of lard.

Ugh.
I am so frigging disgusted with my self right now. I actually feel full. I don't even remember the last time I felt like this. I'm such a fatty. :p
Seriously.
I woke up at 11 this morning, and know what I had for breakfast?
Frigging cake! I am insanely embarrassed to say that, but its true. I had cake, and then I had two pieces of toast, just because it was there.
You know who has cake for breakfast?
Lard-ass fattys with no will power, that's who.

*le sigh.*
Now I have that out of my system, I feel a little better.
In other news....
18th birthday party's are a baaaaad idea. I went to two last week, my friends, who for the sake of anonymity will be called C, and my own.
Crazy amounts of food consumed, and even crazier amounts of empty calories in the form of alcohol were consumed.
*another le sigh.*

I swear that starting right this very minute, I am back on the wagon.
I will resume restricting, counting calories, and hating myself for days if I binge.
That really sounds pretty terrible, just printed there in black and white, but it really is my lifeblood. I would have nothing to do, to aim for if I didn't have Ana.
So I thank her, for sticking with me, even after all the times I ignored her and ate the stupid food.

But yes. On a happier note, I am finally 18!
Woo! :D
I can finally do everything Ive been doing for the last 5 years, legally. Haha :)
That's such a tacky line, but Ive always wanted to use it!
Honestly though, its a lie.
I was a terribly good kid. I only got drunk like, 3 times, and smoked twice I think?
I really was the goody goody!

On another happy note, I weighed myself at the beginning of the week of the two 18ths, and at the end of the week, and I only gained 0.1 of a kg. Thank gosh.
I really thought it would be much more than that.

But anyway, I should be off, as I have to get ready to go to the movies with some friends :)
And I wont eat any of the fatty cinema food!
:)

Frick, frick, frick!
I gained a half a kilo :p
Though that's not surprising, I have been eating like a cow the last few days, which is what I'm going to look like if I'm not careful!
I have been binging for the last two days, because of seriously crazy family drama. *sigh*
If I get fat again, I blame my out-of-control brother.
OK! As of tomorrow, back to eating as leeetle as possible. :)
On another note...
Eep.
I fear my cover has been blown.
I was writing the above post when I hear my brother say "Ana is the demon I cling to? Whats that? What are you writing?" He was standing above me reading over my shoulder! Crap. I just have to pray that he forgets all about it...
Or else I'm royally boned. :p

Sigh. I really cannot wait until I move out and get my own place. I wont have to hide anything, and can just be me.