Making new habits...

Ok, so, I was just in the kitchen, making lunch, (Salad with lettuce, tomato, cheese, shallots, tuna, carrot and balsamic dressing) when I realised that I was actually looking forward to eating it. It actually looked good to me.
This is a pretty huge development for me.
When my parents split up two years ago, all I ate was junk food. No exaggeration. I could eat an entire packet of potato chips in one go. (Frigging disgusting, I know.) Healthy food just didn't appeal to me at all. Not nearly as comforting as a giant block of chocolate.
And then there was the whole deal with counting calories and throwing up... I used to seriously stress out eating salad, because I didn't know the exact amount of calories that were in it.
But yeah.
I think that my habits are starting to change. I look forward to my exercise, food I used to love, (e.g MacDonald's!) now pretty much repulses me. You can literally see the fat on their food! Ick!
Weighed myself this morning... Lost! :D
Any who, thought I would just share that little epiphany with you. :)

I hate this!

Rah! I am stuck!
Not plateau, just stuck.
I can never seem to get away from 95-94kgs. I always seem to be somewhere between there!
It's driving me crazy!!

Uh. On a better note, I got Wasted. :)
I bought it on iBooks on my iPod.
It's so good! Like, better than I expected!

Tried to purge again today, still nothing.
Rah. My gag reflex is like, broken. :(
Which is super lame.
Sigh.

On a relatively great note, I lost 0.4 of a kg since yesterday! Yay yay yay!
Half of my gained weight is gone! :D
Just gotta keep working on the other half, and then more.

Stay strong
xx

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Hello m'dears. This post may be a long one I'm afraid.

Facts:
1. I have gained weight.
2. I am not going to be in the 80s in time for my doctors appointment.
3. I am not going to lose weight by reading blogs and looking at thinspo.

I cannot change these things. But these things are "not a problem, just a factor."
(If anyone guesses what book that quote comes from, you are my new best friend, and I will kiss your feet.)

As of today, I have set a new calorie limit: Net of 800 per day.
Under that is great. Over that is not acceptable.
I will exercise (in some way, shape or form) everyday.
I WILL NOT BINGE.
I will not purge, because it makes my teeth icky. :p
I will not drink alcohol because I don't need the calories. (Also because I apparently cant keep my mouth shut when I'm drunk. No more accidental revealing of eating issues.)
I will try not to hurt myself again, but no promises there. (My leg looks fine BTW, bit of a scar though.)
If I plateau, I will cry.


Actual-real-serious-non-changing deadline and goal weight:

75kg by 31st December 2011*

*Weight and date subject to change.

I know I'll change my mind a hundred times between now and then, but for now, this is the plan.
Until next year.
Then onwards to more weight loss!

I honestly have no idea what I would do if I wasn't trying to lose weight. Like, my life would have no purpose. How sad. :p

Ok, that's all for now I think.
Well, there is something else bugging me, but I'm not ready to put it into words. It'll make it seem to real.

Stay strong.
xx


(BTW, I'm not actually kissing anyones feet. Ew.)

I'm such a wale, I should just change my name to Moby Dick.

Times I binged in the last 2 days: 10000000
Times I purged/exercised in the last 2 days: 0



Fuck my life.

I am a bit of an idiot...

OK... So I may have cut my leg with a razor blade... On purpose. :/
Stoopid!
I did it once, just cause I could. Just a little cut. Then a bigger one, still little though.
Then I went a little crazy, and it went rather deep. :p
I had a slight panic attack at all the blood... ugh. I hate blood. :p
I don't care how good it may have felt... never doing that again.
I said I would never go back to that stage in my life, and I'm not.

Anywho!
Ate like a cow at the party, but went running both days I was at Dad's.
I think my little brother may have caught me purging after lunch the other day... eh. He didn't mention it, so I hope he didn't notice.

Now, I am going to watch Bones. :D
Stay strong :)